I realized something while ranting on the phone with a friend last night after watching "Lies My Parents Told Me": just about every single character on Buffy the Vampire Slayer is in dire need of a swift boot to the head.

I'll start with Dawn. Dawn needs a boot because she needs to learn how to speak up for herself in some way that doesn't involve whining or shrieking. Feel neglected? Tell Buffy you want to start training again. She'll probably say yes. And if she says no? Insist. Not by whining, acting out, ordering people out of your room or making 'kicked puppy' eyes when people go somewhere without you. You can't keep slinking into the shadows all the time, then being upset when nobody notices you there. Dawn used to be a spunky girl. Now she's just mopey. Remember the fire she showed in "Conversations With Dead People"? I *loved* her in that! This girl used to be a powerful key that could rip open the very fabric of reality. But now she mopes and does homework. Excellent use of characters, Joss. Boot number one.

Kennedy needs a boot to the head marked "Get over yourself." Loved her when she first showed up, but as soon as she skipped the vision camp-out to hit on Willow, that good will just evaporated. Talk about coming on strong... someone you've got feelings for is having a literal breakdown because they're grieving for their lost love, and you decide what they really need is a little lip-lovin' from you to make it all better? Yeah, let's summarize that episode, shall we? "Kennedy, I'm completely shattered right now because kissing you opened horrible wounds that still haven't healed." "Oh, then you should kiss me more." And if that wasn't enough, she starts strutting around like she's Head Rooster because she's dating Willow. Calling Chloe a maggot was just about the last straw, but then she still wasn't done getting all puffed-up and special. Later in the episode, Buffy tells Dawn to get the Potentials upstairs, so why is Kennedy still in the room? Nothing like sleeping with upper management to get a promotion, huh? I really did like her when she showed up, but I'm *over* her ego. Time for her to get over it too. Boot to the head.

Which leads me to Willow. Willow gets a preventative boot to the head for the next time she opens her mouth to whine about her magick being all screwy - or to insist that it's not screwy anymore. The entire gang has abolutely no reason to have any confidence whatsoever in Willow's magick, and it's about time she accepted that and quit being offended when they ask if she knows what she's doing. She's damned lucky they accepted her back at all after the previous year - the fact that she's acting entitled to their faith just boggles the mind. Hence? Boot for Willow.

Spike gets his boot for being a big fence-sitter. Now that may have changed after last night, but every time it looks like he's made a resolution and chosen his path, the next week has him making yet another decision about who and what he's going to be. Is he still in love with Buffy? Who knows? Is he still there to be with her, or does he genuinely want to be a good guy now? Or maybe, is he just fighting alongside them because they happen to be the people he hangs with now? Interesting questions that would be really neat to explore, but at this point, I'm growing weary of the "What's up with Spike?" game. Time for him to pick a lane and drive. Motivational boot to the head.

Giles. Heavy sigh. Hate to say it because after last night, all I want to do is wrap him up in a giant hug... but he gets a boot as well. A leftover boot for leaving Buffy last year that gets translated into "If you told her in the S6 finale that you never should have left, then why didn't you come back when Willow's mini-rehab was done?" Everything's been hell and badness since he left, and then he had to come back all Emotional Detatchment Guy and tell Buffy it was all on her. Screw that, Giles. You're better than that. Regrettable but necessary boot.

Buffy? Sweet tweedy lord, that girl needs *such* a boot. If I have to listen to her make one more long-winded, bitchy speech about how life sucks and so does everyone around her, I'm gonna take a freaking hostage. Or possibly a guestage. She's being such a blind idiot when it comes to Spike. And I'm not advocating a dusty Spike - far from it! But she was so furious and pissed off that after he ran amok and gave her sister a nasty head wound, people thought maybe she should, I dunno, wait an hour before unchaining the potential murderer. She thinks she's making all these hard choices, but they're all based on "Spike has a soul, therefore, everybody else can bite me." Yes, why listen to the loved ones and allies who have stood by you through all manner of hell? Much more important to worry about the welfare of the guy who tried to rape you. Has he repented, and is he making a real effort to change? I do think so (hard to tell from week to week, though), and I'm actively cheering for his redemption (or failing that, a return to delicious evil). But I'm completely maxed out on "We need Spike, and you people all suck." That broken record is old. Let's get that needle moving again with a timely and much-needed boot to the head.

Anya and Xander lead the "boot on principle" crowd of people who need to speak up and tell Buffy to cram it with walnuts.

The only people I didn't really think were in deperate need of boots to the head were Robin and Andrew, but it looks like they went and got 'em anyway. Well, it's a start. Time now for boots all around.

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