After Spike's attempted rape of Buffy in "Seeing Red", I was pretty much horrified and disgusted, and if he, a guy who used to be one of my very favourite characters, had wound up dust before the episode was out, I wouldn't have protested. In fact, I'd have welcomed it. But after the shock wore off and I rolled it around my head for a while, I found myself chock full of conflicting emotions that'll take me at least all summer to sort out. Probably longer.

Bottom line: what he did/tried to do was wrong. No two ways about it. He crossed the line, and she'd have been entirely justified in staking him. But, see, there's a lot more to it than just the bottom line. And my brain keeps trying to smack me for even thinking this, but honestly? I'm almost surprised it didn't happen sooner.

I keep hesitating before I type my next thought. It goes against every fibre of my being to say this, but after Buffy spent so much of the season teaching Spike that her "no" didn't actually mean "no", the attack was in some ways a logical and predictable outcome. After a series of encounters that went "deny feelings, say no, kiss and/or have sex, dismiss harshly, repeat cycle", Spike began to see that if he persisted, Buffy would eventually welcome his advances.

In "Once More With Feeling", Buffy came after him and initiated their first real kiss. He later wanted more, but she denounced the very idea as repugnant. Then after he walked away, she followed him. Again, she initiated the kiss. He pressed for more, and she insulted and attacked him. And after almost two years of her punching him in the face any time she felt frustrated or angry, he finally decided to damn the chip and hit back. Odd that the very night she discovered he could hurt her, she initiated things again - this time, bruising, passionate, violent sex. This set the entire tone for their sexual relationship. Violence and denial were a part of it from the beginning - in fact, they were the very foundation their new relationship was built upon.

As the season progressed, she was all about the denial. Despite coming home with aches and bruises, the only times it seemed Buffy would admit her attraction to Spike was in the midst of this dance. After every encounter, she would reassert her disgust. He would approach her again, she would insist she wasn't interested, say no repeatedly, and then agree to more sex. She spent a long time teaching Spike to ignore her protests because if he just persisted, she would agree.

Honestly, these two were a horrible, rotten mess. It was clearly an abusive relationship from both sides. Aside from the physical injuries he doled out (which the Slayer could have put a permanent stop to, had she wanted), Spike also sought to isolate Buffy from her friends, reinforcing her fear that her friends would be disgusted to learn how low she'd sunk. And telling her pretty much "Yeah, you keep saying no, but you know you want it." From her behaviour, she showed him he was right. But Buffy wasn't the only one being abused. In fact, her abuse of Spike began years before. Not that an unrepentant killer deserved to be treated especially well, but she frequently hit him, knowing he couldn't fight back, often for no other reason than she felt like it. Then, of course, came "Dead Things". And despite giving him a beating that left him barely conscious, soon after, she still turned to him and encouraged him to profess his love for her, clearly using him to feel attractive and wanted.

After this, she finally put an end to their relationship. She came to really mean it when she said no, but after being shown for so long that he only needed to persist, Spike continued to press the issue. Buffy's resolve was firm, but Spike still believed she would relent. Then in a desperate effort, he resorted to physical force. He crossed the line. It was wrong, and it was brutal. It wasn't "persistence" anymore. It was attempted rape.

So here's where I'm of two seriously conflicting minds. There's no excuse for what he did, but I can't deny that Buffy helped lead him to that place.

And then there was the whopper in the season finale. I have no idea how a resouled Spike will react to what he's done, or what his feelings for Buffy will be. I would guess, though, that he will be rightly apologetic. I also guess that Buffy will not be forthcoming with forgiveness. Completely understandable, regardless of how he may have changed over the summer. And I don't want her to forgive him, at least not for quite some time. Despite my long-standing affection for Spike's character, there's simply no excuse for attempted rape. And on just about any other show in the world, I would be infuriated if this act were ever forgiven.

The difference is, on this show, the rules are just a little different. Despite his feelings for her and all the changes he'd gone through since arriving in Sunnydale, when he attacked Buffy, Spike didn't have a soul. In no way does that excuse his actions, but I do think it's a mitigating factor that can't be overlooked. I'd understand completely if Buffy never forgave Spike for what he did. Even if he's remorseful and strives every day to try and prove to her that he's changed. But the problem is, if a resouled Spike is to be damned for his previous actions, then I have to take serious issue with how readily Buffy forgave Angel for snapping Jenny Calendar's neck.

If that horrible act, and the host of others that accompanied the loss of Angel's soul, can be forgiven because he has his soul back and is sorry, then the same standard should be applied to Spike. Except that I don't want what Spike did to be so easily forgiven. Even though I understand how he came to be twisted around enough to do it. But there's no excuse for what he did. Like I said, I'm seriously conflicted.

Maybe as Season 7 approaches, I'll have done a better job of sorting out my feelings about this. For now, though, I'm a hopeless jumble of some very strong emotions. Please feel free to disagree with me. After all, I can't seem to agree with myself on this one.

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