Buffy: If it isn't The Great Producer!
Xander: Had to see this to believe it.
Giles: Oh. You three.
Buffy: The school talent show – however did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Giles: Our new fuehrer, Mr. Snyder.
Willow: I think they call them Principals now.
Giles: He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.

Principal Snyder: My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that 'touchy feel-y relatey' nonsense, but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.

Buffy: Euugh. Dummy.
Xander: Yeow! Mime!
Willow: I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Buffy: Nuh-unh… They give me the wig, ever since I was little.
Willow: What happened?
Buffy: I saw a dummy, it… gave me the wig… there really wasn't a story there.

Xander: I have my pride! Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.

Xander: But we have talent! We can do stuff. Buffy…
Buffy: What am I gonna do, slay vampires onstage?
Willow: Maybe in a funny way?
Xander: Willow, you can do stuff. Um, the piano!
Buffy: You play?
Willow: A little.
Buffy: Well that's cool. You could accompany us, and we could attempt to sing.
Willow: Oh, you mean in front of other people? Then no, I don't play.
Xander: Whatever happened to corporal punishment?

Sid: You know what they say: Once you go wood, nothin's as good.

Snyder: I know Principal Flutie would have said kids need understanding, kids are human beings. That's the kid of wooly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Giles: I think, perhaps, it was a little more complex than…
Snyder: This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion… you can't put up with that.

Xander: Oh, man. I hate this school.

Giles: Her heart was removed.
Willow: Yikes.
Buffy: Does that mean anything to you? Besides 'euugh'?

Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?

Giles: A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is more complex.
Willow: The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me!
[stares from all]
Willow: It's not, though.

Cordelia: It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend!
Xander: Emily.

Cordelia: All I can think is, it could have been me!
Xander: We can dream.

Giles: Buffy, you watch Morgan. Check his locker, see if there's anything in there.
Willow: Like a heart?
Giles: …or something.

Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also, smoking.

Cordelia: My song is about dignity. And human feelings. And personal… hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is going to be feeling sappy after all that rock and roll!
[Giles tilts his head and looks at her]
Cordelia: What?
Giles: Oh, I'm sorry… um… your hair…
Cordelia: There's something wrong with my hair? Omigod.
[Cordelia bolts, and Giles grins]
Giles: Xander was right, it worked like a charm.

Buffy: No, it was his… Sid. The dummy. Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit - that's how stupid I feel saying this.

Willow: Well, on the side of the 'Morgan's just crazy' theory, there is… well… Morgan.

Willow: Once again, I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalogue.
Giles: You concentrate on reanimation theory, I'll poke about in organ harvesting. Unless of course, you'd prefer…
Willow: That's okay. You can have the organs.

Buffy: Whoever's out there, I'm gonna hurt you. Badly! Just… gimme a minute.

Sid: You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on.
Buffy: I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case.
Sid: That would have been justice.
Buffy: Yeah, except for one thing – you lost, and now you'll never be human.
Sid: Yeah, well neither will you.
[pause]
Both: What?

Sid: I should have teamed up with you all along, but I didn't because…
Buffy: Because you thought I was the demon.
Sid: Who can blame me for thinking? Look at you, you're strong, athletic… limber… nubile… (shakes himself) I'm back.

Cordelia: I can't go out there. All those people staring at me, judging me like I'm some kind of… Buffy! What if I mess up?!
Giles: Cordelia, there's an adage that, um, if you're feeling nervous, then you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear.
Cordelia: Ew! Even Mrs. Franklin?
Giles: Perhaps not.

Sid: When I say 'free'…
Buffy: You mean 'dead'.
Sid: Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters – or Slayers, for that matter. Of course, if you wanna snuggle up and comfort me…
[puts his hand on her knee]
Buffy: So that 'horny dummy' thing really isn't an act, is it?
Sid: Nope.

Xander: So the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter, and we're all like 'Fine, lalalala.' He takes off, and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Sose'd?

Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
Xander: What’s the square root of 841?
Willow: 29.
[pause]
Willow: Oh, yeah.

Snyder: I don't get it. What is it, avant garde?

[ back ]