Screaming! Horror! Mayhem!

There's a vampire ransacking The Bronze, and as the frightened spectators recoil in terror, Buffy finds herself backed up against a post. The vampire grabs her, leans her over the pool table, and is about to go in for the bite when a very suave Xander swoops to the rescue. Buffy's oh so grateful and fawns over her hero before he turns to finish his guitar solo. Physically impossible for this not to be a dream. Xander pauses to break a leg off a nearby chair to dust the vampire, then climbs onstage.

"Oh, boy! Sleep! That's where I'm a Viking!" - Ralph Wiggum

Xander picks up his guitar and breaks into his electric solo riff. Buffy stands at the foot of the stage, gazing at him adoringly, and says "You're drooling." Oh, yes. Definitely a dream. He, Buffy, and Willow are actually in science class, studying insects. The teacher asks Buffy a question, and she looks to Willow for help. Willow tries to mime 'touch' and 'smell', using Xander as a model. Buffy guesses the second one as body odor, and a jock named Blaine just can't resist a mean comment at Xander's expense. Reality is so much less fun.

After class, Dr. Gregory talks to Buffy about her academic performance. He knows all about her record from Hemery High in LA, but as he cleans his glasses, he offers some very supportive words of encouragement about the quality work he expects from her. Looks like Buffy's got a new ally on the faculty. She smiles and leaves, and Gregory-sensei switches off the lights to study his slides as the creepy music sets in. Oh, dear - it seems Buffy's new ally isn't long for this world. And getting dragged away by a huge, serrated claw is rarely ever a sign of good things to come.

At The Bronze, Xander is looking so very much less suave than he did in his dream. Blaine's there, bragging to a buddy about the girls he's slept with. Xander gets in a good zinger, but he's stumped when Blaine puts him on the spot by asking just how many times Xander's scored. A quick exaggeration-slash-lie later, Xander's rescued by the arrival of Willow and Buffy. He moves over to put his arms around them both, and Willow's only too happy to play along. Buffy, however, is distracted by the the sight of Angel lurking over in the corner and goes to talk to him. Xander and Willow guess who he must be, and Xander's extremely jealous that Buffy didn't mention how good-looking Angel is.

Buffy's instantly confrontational, assuming Angel's there to be all cryptic warning guy. Which he is, of course, but not before he takes off his jacket to put around Buffy's theoretically-chilly shoulders. That's when she notices the huge slashes on Angel's arm. He is there to warn her after all, and Buffy dubs Angel's attacker "Fork Guy" from the looks of the injury. Angel says he's seriously bad news.

The next morning, Buffy fills Giles in on Angel's warning. Giles promises to see what he can find out, then complains about Sunnydale's perpetually beautiful weather before going inside. Then Xander arrives to let Buffy and Willow know they're going to have a substitute teacher for science. Apparently Dr. Gregory's missing. Xander thinks this is great news, but the girls are alarmed. Before Xander can finish his next thought, he's rendered dumbstruck by the appearance of a sultry, sexy woman. The soundtrack goes all jungle drums, and we get a leggy slow-motion shot of her approach. Plus, Xander's got sudden issues with the English language.

Mystery Lady introduces herself as Miss French, the substitute science teacher, and asks Xander if he'll show her to the right classroom. Poor Xander. Seems he's also having problems with his classroom locating skills in the face of someone so devastatingly attractive. Ah, but Blaine's there to pick up the slack, bragging about his athletic prowess as he leads her away.

Before science class, Buffy notices that Dr. Gregory dropped his glasses, thinking it odd he just left them on the floor. Then the bell rings, and Miss French waxes seriously poetic about how wonderfully noble and gorgeous insects are. Buffy makes the mistake of questioning the preying mantis's beauty, but Miss French goes on to explain that they're cannibals. The female lays her eggs, wrapping them in a pouch, then searches for a mate to fertilize them as she kills him. Gee, Buffy, and you didn't see the beauty in that? I tell ya. Kids these days. Miss French suggests making some model egg sacs for the science fair, and all the guys are only too thrilled to volunteer to help her with that after school. The girls, not so much.

Lunchtime. Xander's insanely thrilled to have been chosen, feeling it clearly means Miss French is wildly attracted to him. Blaine, of course, feels pretty much the same way as he loads up on carbs for his one-on-one with her that afternoon. Just, ew. A little Alpha-male jockeying ensues, then Cordelia breezes by on her way to get her specially prescribed lunch. She opens the refrigerator door and starts screaming - Dr. Gregory's been stuffed inside the fridge. Minus his head.

In the Library, Giles brings Buffy a glass of water. She, Xander, and Willow are all understandably upset. Even Giles seems sad. They decide to find whoever or whatever did this to him, and Buffy figures it happened the day before because he hadn't changed his clothes. She also recalls Angel's warning, and Giles says he's done some research about that. Apparently one of The Master's servants displeased him and cut off his hand in pennance, replacing it with... a fork? But the damage Fork Guy did to a homeless man in the park doesn't resemble what happened to Dr. Gregory. Still, it's their only lead. But with the danger unclear, Giles makes Buffy promise she won't go hunting for Fork Guy until they know more.

So, naturally, we cut to that night in the park, where Buffy's hunting for Fork Guy. She nearly gets sliced by his huge metal claw (really more of an upgrade than pennance, I'm thinking) before approaching police send Buffy and Fork Guy scurrying in different directions. She sees him jump a fence right behind Miss French, who's casually walking home with groceries. She turns to face him, and he dives for the nearest manhole to get away from her as fast as he possibly can. Oooo-kay.

In the morning, Buffy tells Giles about the weirdness, and they agree she should keep an eye on Miss French. So Buffy heads off to class. Before she can get there, though, she's pulled aside by Principal Flutie, who's absolutely beside himself. Apparently every student who saw Dr. Gregory's body is getting mandatory counseling, and it's Buffy's turn, like it or not. Inside the counselor's office, Cordelia seems to be coping admirably with her trauma, valiantly embracing the silver lining of stress-induced weight loss.

There's a pop quiz in Biology class. As Miss French prowls the classroom (I'd say 'walks around' but after the Claw Guy thing, she's more of a prowler now) she leans in entirely too closely to give Xander one of the answers. Then she puts a very wrong-touching hand on his shoulder and flirts that she'll see him later, just as Buffy finally reaches the classroom. She pauses at the door, and Miss French straightens. She senses Buffy behind her and turns to look. Not all of her, though. Just her head. Turns it 180-degrees, thus cementing her place in the 'not at all normal' column. It's a really creepy moment, but the awful effects kind of take the sting out of it. Pity, cuz Buffy's well and truly freaked. And rightly so.

As she and Willow reach the Library after class, Buffy mentions Blaine isn't at school, and Willow gets on the computer to see if there's any word. Giles agrees nothing human can twist its head like Miss French did, but Buffy remembers that some insects can, and she's off to the stacks to research. Ooh, determined and studious Buffy! Willow and I are proud.

Down the hall, Xander reports for his 'session' with Miss French, but she simpers about having been so very careless and forgetting an appointment and would Xander mind horribly coming over to her house that evening to work on the project with her then? Yeah, um, Xander's cool with that. DreamXander even chimes in with a celebratory riff on his guitar. So he leaves, utterly stoked about his prospects for the evening, and Miss French makes herself a nice cricket sandwich. Ew.

The Library crew is starting to put the pieces together. Only the preying mantis can rotate its head like Miss French did. It's possible she's a shapeshifter, and Giles has an acquaintance with some theories on bugs and fairy tales. Just before he went crazy, he told Giles something about a similar creature. Plus Blaine has been missing since his session with Miss French. Oh, goody - Xander's supposed to be with her right now. Buffy tells Willow to check the coroner's report on Dr. Gregory to see if it's consistent with their theory, Giles goes to make a phone call, and Buffy goes to find Xander.

Fortunately, he's perfectly okay, if a little bit deluded about how into him Miss French is. Well, that's not entirely true. She's extremely into him. Just not in any way that could be construed as good news. Buffy tries to warn him, but the fact that she's wearing Angel's jacket brings out the defensive in Xander. He accuses her of being jealous, snarks a bit about Angel, and stalks away.

We cut to that evening. Cleavage cam shows us Miss French all dolled up, pouring martinis as Xander arrives. Soft music, candles, underage drinking, tight black dress... oh, yeah, Xander's a goner. She strokes his ego, he babbles nervously, then he drains his glass. She snuggles up to him, asking if he's ever been with a woman before. He tries to say he has, but comes clean. Nope, he hasn't. She could tell, of course, and it's a huge turn-on. Well, that's just lovely. Even without the whole bug thing we know is imminent. She takes Xander's hand - mostly to distract him from the faint voice off-camera that's calling for help - and he remembers Buffy holding his hand in his dream. The martini, which is quite likely drugged, has hit him like a ton of bricks, and he falls back in his chair and confesses that he's in love with Buffy. Then to confirm my "this woman's seriously ick" theory, Miss French's hand elongates, turning into the same appendage we saw grab Dr. Gregory. Xander passes out, and Miss French, who's very much a huge bug now, drags him down the hall.

He wakes up downstairs locked in a cage. There's a huge bug in the shadows doing something, um, squishy sounding. And she invites Xander to call her Natalie.

Back to the Library. The coroner's report confirms their mantis theory, and Willow gets extremely upset about Xander being in danger. Buffy reassures her, though, that Xander's fine. Except that he's very not fine. Blaine's in the cage next to Xander, seriously frightened because he's already seen her mating-biting dance.

Giles finishes talking to his friend. Miss French is a She-Mantis, a shape-shifter who assumes the guise of a beautiful woman and lures virgin males to their deaths. Buffy's going to have to pretty much hack her to pieces to kill her. Willow calls Xander and finds out that he's gone to Natalie's house. Buffy tells Giles to record some bat sonar to freak out her insectoid nervous system and goes to gather some weapons while Willow looks up Miss French's address. Turns out the address belongs to "the real" Miss French, though, who's decades older than the impostor they're looking for, and they don't even know where to look.

They better hurry because Natalie's ready for Xander. Eeew. Buffy knows they're in the right neighborhood after seeing "Miss French" walking home, and she's got a plan for how to find the right house. Please hurry, Buffy. Xander's tied up now, and "Miss French" is about to lay her eggs. Moments later, Buffy returns with Claw Guy all tied up and demands he tell her which is the right house. Because since he's afraid of her, he can sense her. Or something. Hey, it turns out he can! What luck! Buffy turns her back on him to go inside, and he breaks free. Buffy falls against a foot-high picket fence, which she grabs a piece of to stake Claw Guy with. I know - lame description, but that's pretty much all that happened.

Inside, Xander screams for help and gets it. Buffy, Willow, and Giles to the rescue! Buffy grabs a couple cans of bug spray to drive Natalie back with while Giles frees Xander. Buffy then grabs a machete and turns on the tape recorder. But it's the wrong side of the tape, and Natalie bats it away. Then she pretty much swats Buffy away until Giles gets the tape straightened out. He turns it on, Natalie recoils, Buffy makes with the machete, and the guys are saved. Then Willow goes and says how unfair it was that Natalie targeted virgins, and the boys get all embarassed and upset. Blaine threatens to sue if word that he's a virgin gets out. Freaking ingrate. Then Xander takes the machete to Natalie's eggs.

At The Bronze, Buffy and Angel share a congratulatory moment. She offers him his jacket back, but he says it looks better on her. He walks away, but it's clear they'd like to see each other again. I so wanna dwell on the tingly subtext of this scene, but my enthusiasm's just too drained after the squishy mating dance and bad effects.

The new Bio teacher's not at all fun. After class, Buffy finds Dr. Gregory's glasses, tucks them into his jacket pocket, and closes the door. Inside the closet, we see a group of very large She-Mantis eggs. One of them starts to crack open, and... The End.

Thoughts

This wasn't one of my favourite episodes. Not by a longshot. There were some fun moments - Angel and Buffy at The Bronze, Principal Flutie, Buffy taking charge, Giles talking to his sanity-challenged friend, and of course, Xander's dream - but the episode just didn't do it for me. The pace was kinda slow, and the unimpressive effects didn't really help. Plus the big fights with Bug Lady and Fork Guy weren't very exciting. Also, all the statutory sexual advances and general embarassment of Xander weren't the funnest to watch.

The character relationships, though, are still developing nicely. Giles seems willing to take his lead from Buffy, even when she gets a bit impulsive. Willow's so adorably into Xander, but he's only got eyes for Buffy. Angel's still being all mystery guy, but it's obvious he and Buffy are headed for smoochies.

Principal Flutie was hysterical in this episode, trying so hard to be the modern, sensitive administrator but so clearly on the verge of coming unhinged. Poor guy. It must be hard enough to herd several hundred teenagers through their education under normal circumstances, much less among the constant weirdness and mayhem of Hellmouth High.

Boy, Buffy sure put her book-learning to work in this episode! It was really our first glimpse of her really dedicating herself, and she did a wonderful job. On one hand, it's the start of the take-charge attitude that'll serve her well. However, it's a pretty isolated example of her applying herself to research and studying, so in hindsight it feels a bit out of place. Still, it was nice to see.

Could Miss French have been more of a skank?! Clearly the "real issue" the gang was dealing with this week was sex. For all the overt sexuality displayed, though, the tone was extremely cautionary. What with the head-chomping and all. Virginity is so much better than deadness.

Quirks

Once again, Xander's aim isn't quite right. In his dream, he throws the stake and hits the vampire in the lower right lung, which is not so much where the heart is located. Of course, such a little technicality doesn't hinder Xander's dreamland suaveness.

Why on earth did the news that Dr. Gregory was missing not bother Xander? Naturally, he's all happy about having a substitute teacher, but does he really not understand that it's bad for people to go missing?

Firmly in the realm of nitpicking, did Blaine really expect to 'carb up' with a couple bowls of jello and a plate of green leafies?

Could the shot of Miss French twisting her head around have looked any more fake? No. No, it could not.

Stressed about the egg that was hatching at the end? Don't be. It's never, ever mentioned again.

Body Count

DreamVamp - DreamStaked by DreamXander
Dr. Gregory - beheaded by Natalie
Claw Guy - staked by Buffy
Natalie "She-Mantis" French - hacked to death by Buffy
Reference to unnamed homeless man shredded in park by Claw Guy
Unnamed victim Blaine witnessed Miss French mate with and kill

Haiku

Ick factor is high
Skank bug lady chomping heads
Eggs come shooting out

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